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What is a parent? It's not an easy question. Today we have adoption, stepfamilies, surrogate mothers, and many parents face tough questions and types of decisions. One of the most challenging is whether to tell a child about a sperm donation, and if so, when and how to use the right words. Sperm donors are often called biological fathers, but should the word father really apply? As a philosopher and social scientist, I have been studying these questions about the concept of parenthood. In this article, I share insights from talking to both parents and children to understand what matters most in family life, even in non-traditional family structures. Parents find creative ways to handle difficult questions, yet uncertainties and anxieties are always present in these family dynamics.

We conducted interviews with couples who received fertility treatments at Kent University Hospital using sperm from a donor. This included heterosexual couples, where the man had poor-quality sperm, and lesbian couples, who needed to find sperm elsewhere. Children were included as well. I wanted to know how these children define concepts like parenthood and family. To ask abstract philosophical questions without intimidating them, I drew an apple tree. Children could place paper apples representing family members wherever they wanted on the tree. Most started with parents or siblings, one with a deceased family pet. None mentioned the donor initially. Only after asking about their birth story did children bring up the donor. They described their conception in simple terms, sometimes humorously, which helped reveal their genuine perception of family and the role of the donor.

One child described the donor as a friendly man who provided seeds that made his existence possible. When deciding where to place the donor apple on the tree, he concluded that the donor was not part of his family but should be recognized in the trunk for enabling the family to exist. Parents also used storytelling to explain conception, sometimes creatively, like taking children to observe a vet inseminate cows, or creating detailed books documenting the fertility process. These narratives expressed longing and deep love for the child, demonstrating that despite unconventional family structures, the emotional connection and care were central. Research indicates these children generally thrive and face no more challenges than other children, reflecting the success of these communication strategies.

Nevertheless, parents felt the need to justify their decisions, worried that children might reject the non-genetic parent. In a heteronormative and genetic-focused society, such concerns are understandable. One story illustrates a teenage boy, donor-conceived, who yelled at his father, questioning his parental authority. The father’s calm response showed that difficulties at this age are normal and not necessarily linked to genetic differences. This example underscores that the challenges in families with donors are not unique but shared by all parents, emphasizing the universality of parental uncertainty and concern over being a good parent.

From the start of fertility treatment, parents paid close attention to counselors’ advice to do things correctly. Even years later, they remembered guidance on when and how to discuss the donor with children. Some families chose to respond minimally to children’s questions until the child was ready, balancing honesty and emotional readiness. Children often noticed subtle inconsistencies or found alternative sources for answers, highlighting the importance of open communication. Advice is useful only when supported by evidence and applied in a way that improves real-life family outcomes, not just theoretically. This careful, pragmatic approach helps families navigate complex questions while preserving trust and understanding.

Finally, the warmth and creativity in these families were remarkable. From personalized books to trips explaining conception, parents demonstrated that strong family bonds come from loving relationships rather than professional interventions. Families thrive when parents trust their own experience, work with advice that suits their situation, and embrace their creativity. The underlying lesson is clear: family is defined by care, engagement, and inventive communication, proving that even non-traditional families can flourish beautifully through thoughtfulness and love.